As I sit on the porch and watch the world go by, I sit with my world standing still. My depression takes control of me. I could express myself but there are no words that could explain the way I feel. I know I feel empty most days. Like I have to force a smile,a laugh, my fake happiness. Most people would ever guess that because from the outside it doesn’t exist but deep down it is drowning me. I wake up feeling nothing and go to bed feeling the same. Then repeat that exact same emotionless reaction to the world the next day. Sometimes I feel like there is no escape from it. Some days it feels like the norm for me. But it’s my choice if I will let it bury me. Let it take the best of me. So I will put my gloves on and fight it until it’s knocked out. Until I win this fight. Until I can smile from joy again.
As the pain takes hold deep within the darkest part of me, I forget how to breath. My mind goes blank. My heart goes numb. The pain takes control of my body. It takes me high upon a cliff. As I stare down to a sea crashing into the walls of the cliff, the sun comes out and warms my heart. The sea calms down and awakens my kind. A breeze blows and fills my lungs so I can breath.
I feel like I’m underwater with an anchor to my foot. Like I’m in the middle of the woods lost and surrounded by a forest fire. Like I’m hanging on the edge of a cliff, loosing my grip. A dark room closing in on me. I feel like I’m constantly falling and I don’t know how to stop myself.
Life is a struggle. It’s hard to live in a world where you can’t decipher good or evil. Love or lust. Friend or foe. Real or fake. Trying to survive in a world of so much unknown. And all you are is atoms living among other atoms. A creature living among the beasts that try to prey on you. A living being trying to find a place in the world but in reality it’s hard when you’re just a speck in the universe. Spending years trying to find your guiding stars and fighting your demons along the way. Life will always be a work in progress.
These past few months, I have been going through some struggles. I’m in that I take one step forward end up going ten steps back phase in my life. No matter how hard I try or what I do I can’t break out of it. I will feel like everything is fine and dandy then get hit by something from the side that’s completely unexpected. So I wonder some days do I work so hard in life just for this to happen, or should I slow my paceand just keep moving forward without straining myself? It’s hard to say what direction to take because when I try my best to be stepping on my own feet sometimes. So I’m just going. Trying. I may not sleep at night but at least I know my next step by morning. Life can be wonderful and then be too much for the human body and mind. But I keep moving forward. Keep finding my way. Keep trying. I may have not found the solution to life but I found a way to make it through the best I can. I may slip on my stepping stone pat but I keep jumping from stone to stone.
Since you came into my life last December, you two have brought me so much happiness. You climb things when your not suppose to. Get into things that aren’t yours. You may be a hand full when I constantly chase after you. But since you have entered my life you have brought me happiness. You make me laugh when you do the oddest things. And when you want to cuddle it makes me melt. I try to spoil you with toys so you have a happy life to live. You two have been such a blessing to my dim life. Thank you little ferrets, you are the greatest furbabies a person can have.
“Not all those who wonder are lost” is my favorite quote from my favorite series of books. If you know what they are we can be friends. I loved the quote so much I have it tattooed on my shoulder to remind me that it defines me. Everyone one has goals,desires,dreams. So did I. But my problem is they really never stay the same. They are ever changing like someone’s clothes. I always have a set path. A direction I am going. But as I go along,something may catch my attention. I know I should probably stick to my original way, but the other is appealing. I may not know what way im going , but I know where I am going to be.
The death of a musician from a fan,an admirer, a listening ear,can be very heartbreaking. Another musician I adored has taken his life. It absolutely tears my heart apart. He may have not of known who I was but he wrote lyrics as if he was reading my mind. Sung words that touched me emotional.Sang the things I couldn’t say. Songs that made me realize I’m not the only one who feels that way. Songs that helped me through my tough times. He was in touch with me and never knew it. And it’s sad to loose a person who had such an impact on my life.But all I have to say is thanks for all you gave,the music you sang, and for being such an incredible artist. You will be missed.