As the pain takes hold deep within the darkest part of me, I forget how to breath. My mind goes blank. My heart goes numb. The pain takes control of my body. It takes me high upon a cliff. As I stare down to a sea crashing into the walls of the cliff, the sun comes out and warms my heart. The sea calms down and awakens my kind. A breeze blows and fills my lungs so I can breath.
I feel like I’m underwater with an anchor to my foot. Like I’m in the middle of the woods lost and surrounded by a forest fire. Like I’m hanging on the edge of a cliff, loosing my grip. A dark room closing in on me. I feel like I’m constantly falling and I don’t know how to stop myself.
The death of a musician from a fan,an admirer, a listening ear,can be very heartbreaking. Another musician I adored has taken his life. It absolutely tears my heart apart. He may have not of known who I was but he wrote lyrics as if he was reading my mind. Sung words that touched me emotional.Sang the things I couldn’t say. Songs that made me realize I’m not the only one who feels that way. Songs that helped me through my tough times. He was in touch with me and never knew it. And it’s sad to loose a person who had such an impact on my life.But all I have to say is thanks for all you gave,the music you sang, and for being such an incredible artist. You will be missed.
As I sit on the porch and watch the world go by, I sit with my world standing still. My depression takes control of me. I could express myself but there are no words that could explain the way I feel. I know I feel empty most days. Like I have to force a smile,a laugh, my fake happiness. Most people would ever guess that because from the outside it doesn’t exist but deep down it is drowning me. I wake up feeling nothing and go to bed feeling the same. Then repeat that exact same emotionless reaction to the world the next day. Sometimes I feel like there is no escape from it. Some days it feels like the norm for me. But it’s my choice if I will let it bury me. Let it take the best of me. So I will put my gloves on and fight it until it’s knocked out. Until I win this fight. Until I can smile from joy again.